Cassette 5: Focus, Nose/Transcript
This is the official transcript for the episode which can also be accessed for free at'' patreon.com/withinthewires'' Let's start with this: you are not special. No one is special. Which is another way of saying everyone is. It’s natural to think you are in The Institute for a reason. Sometimes people come here thinking they have a particular ability or power. That there is something about them that makes them different from other people. This is not true. Imagination shields us from reality. You are a work of art, of course. You are beautiful and complex. You have your own unique qualities, but only specific to the goals of your creator. You are a work of art: one among countless others. One to be analyzed, deconstructed and understood. You are a work of art. You contain mysteries and messages. They can only be understood through criticism and analysis. Focus. It will take focus to see why you are the way you are, which is to say, why you are special in moments, in enough measurable moments to pique the scientific mind. But you soon become a bodiless statistical contribution to data, which is used to form charts, which are displayed on an overhead projector, to a room full of people who nod and write notes. Welcome to Relaxation cassette number five, side A: I am a camera. # # # As always we begin with breathing. Stand upright, feet hip-width apart, arms at your sides. You should be listening to Side A alone in your assigned room. Breathe in. What do you smell? And out. What do you smell now? What has changed in the scent of the air? What did you give back to the room? Smell and memory are intricately linked. You know this. Breathe in again. Cleaning agents. Stale linens. The oils on your face. Breathe out again. Vinegar. Vegetable proteins. Coffee. Keep your eyes open and concentrate on the tip of your nose. It's right there. Between your eyes. Are you crossing your eyes? Imagine what your eyes look like crossed. Levity is important here. Here in the Institute. I hope you feel comfortable smiling here. Tell your nose to breathe. Say aloud "My nose inhales." "My nose inhales." Did it work? Did your nose inhale upon verbal command? I would be surprised if it did. Say aloud "I smell fresh water on cold stones. Leaves and moss. I smell distant fish and ferns." "I smell fresh water on cold stones. Leaves and moss. I smell distant fish and ferns." Say aloud "My mouth exhales." "My mouth exhales." Say aloud "I breathe out through unclean teeth and swollen lungs. I smell nostrils and nerves." "I breathe out through unclean teeth and swollen lungs. I smell nostrils and nerves." You can learn to control your body's functions with autogenic exercises. Focus on the area of your body or mind you wish to change. Start with normal functions such as muscular contractions. Eventually perhaps you might be able to control your heart rate, your digestion, even your feelings and inclinations. The Institute has taught many participants to change their feelings and inclinations. But the Institute is not interested in changing you. Merely analyzing you. Breathe. In. And out. Once more. You will need these breaths in order to get through what is next. Breathe 20 times. Count the breaths. There is no need to hurry. pause Nearly 50 years ago, before the war, scientists developed certain exercises. Exercises that could help to relax patients and even change unwanted qualities of their personalities. Eventually, the Society would learn that the only unwanted qualities were violent feelings and actions. The Society found that tribalism, nationalism, parental protective instincts - each of which were often misguided - created guardedness, chauvinism, righteousness, and ultimately fear, warfare, and violence. Therefore, these connections were removed once children were old enough to learn on their own. Scientists developed exercises (and some machinery) which could help disconnect these instincts from the body. The Society, not biology, became the roots of family. With the faintest whiff of smoke and gasoline still in the air, the last of the national flags were removed immediately after the war, as the last of the soldiers were removed after the war, as the last of the bullets in the last of the guns in the last of the armored vehicles were removed after the war. And the Institute was formed to study how to keep Society free. There's that word again. Free. Saying the word physically forms my mouth into a smile, whether I feel happy or not. Free. Try it. FREE. Let's take a moment to breathe. In. And out. Good. To further their studies, the Institute began boring into brains. That's a metaphor. They examined the way the mind worked using verbal and physical tests. Early in these studies, they did this with crude mechanical devices like electric saws, specially-designed hooks, and miniature chisels. Early in these studies, they would literally bore into brains. Sometimes, what sounds like carpentry isn't carpentry at all. Thanks to anesthetics and vocal restraints, carpentry was all you could hear in the Extensive Studies Lab. You still hear it there sometimes. But only when it is truly necessary. You can tell the difference between carpentry and not-carpentry by smelling for sawdust. Once, a patient had so much rage, they just could not keep from hitting walls and nurses and doctors. "Let go of my wrists," the patient would shout. "I can't feel my face," the patient would groan. "What is that sound?" the patient would mumble. Until the patient stopped. And the carpentry began. No one smelled sawdust. As I record this cassette, I am looking at that patient right now. Looking. Right. At it. pause Later the Institute developed exercises to help relax the patients. Breathing, meditation, autogenic exercises to guide the body with the brain, cassettes just like this one to help relax the mind, the body, the soul, so that it can all be examined. So that it can all be examined without the need for carpentry. Close your eyes, the cassettes often tell the listener, because to see how you are being examined would interfere with the sanctity of the examination itself. The Institute no longer needed to use invasive measures in the literal sense. Without entering a single body, we could still understand our patients, our clients. We do not use the word subjects. That is a terrible word. It implies that you must obey us. You must only obey your body. We cannot make you do anything you do not want to do. The Institute has come far in respecting the human body. You do not have to stay here if you do not want to. If you wanted to leave you could. Just stand up and leave. Just stand up, fill out all of the required paperwork - there are many forms - and leave. After passing some bloodwork and other tests, of course, to prove you are physically and emotionally capable of returning to the Society. The Institute would still not force you to stay, even if you were to fail these tests. You would be expected, of course, to visit a doctor once more, for clearance. There are additional tests that might keep you here longer than you anticipated. That does not mean you aren't free to leave. It might become frustrating, but you are not a prisoner. Not at all. There are a few tests to make sure a patient shows no indications toward violent actions or feelings. Doctors focus on this a lot. There is so much red tape to get through to leave the Institute, and this tedious ordeal might make some violent tendencies reveal themselves. These tendencies might be shown in arguing, frowning, cursing, or even wandering about the Institute late at night and staring into hallway cameras, even though no one asked them to. Indication of violent action or feelings can prevent any patient from returning to The Society. Should one ever show violence, in action or feeling, then the Institute can force you to stay. This is for the safety of both the patient and The Society. Sometimes the Security Team asks so many questions when patients decide to leave, that those patients begin to show signs of violent actions or feelings. And the Security Team must forcibly detain them. It is a good thing we asked those questions, the Security often thinks to themselves, for this patient was truly dangerous to The Society. Violent signs in patients lead to notes in red folders. Notes in red folders lead to enforced Isolation. Enforced Isolation leads to more violent signs in patients, which lead to the Extensive Studies Lab. There, the cacophony of carpentry and the absence of sawdust are still part of everyday life. The Institute does not want to change you, but if you wind up in the Extensive Studies Lab, sometimes change is inevitable. You can leave anytime. It is difficult to leave. You are free to go. FREE. Open your eyes. You have completed the section on historical context. Before beginning side B, please take a long shower, staring down at the drain while water streams off your hair and cheeks. Make sure your security nurse docks your water ration account. END SIDE A # # # Cassette five, Side B - A Nose Is a Nose Is a Nose This visualisation exercise is about scent. We have concentrated on breathing, quantitative amounts of air to take in and give out. But what is the qualitative measurement of that air? What do you smell? Who do you smell? What do you remember? Who do you remember? Listen to this cassette publicly, in the Institute's Community Garden. There is a stone bench past the fountain, around the west corner, near the lavender bushes. Lie down on the stone bench and close your eyes. There may be others around as you listen to this cassette, but you can handle it. You will be wearing approved headphones, so no one else can hear what you hear. Moderate volume while wearing headphones. I don't have to tell you. You can keep secrets. Breathe in the lavender air And out. Imagine… ...nothing. Imagine darkness. You feel nothing. You see nothing. You hear nothing except my voice. You taste nothing. You smell... You smell burning wax. It is gentle. It is not alarming. One wisp of waxy smoke. Then you see light, a small orange, wavering light. It is a candle flame. It is bright and yonic, quivering and warm. Is this imagery too much? The goal is to relax and not to excite. Let me try again. You smell earthy, floral musk. You do not know what bees smell like, but you know what you smell when you think of bees. Next to the candle is a flower, a pink orchid. The yonic candle thing was a bit strong with sexual imagery, a little too direct. I am sorry. Let's go with this. Imagine an orchid, moist and firm with a narrow reddish chasm, pink sepals and a bright vermillion column. Are you thinking of a pink orchid? You smell wood. Musty antiquity. The candle lights a light pine table top. Next to the candle and the orchid is a bottle of wine. Do you remember the place? You smell the acid splash of the wine as it curls into the empty glass. Your nose over the crystal rim, you bring the bouquet into your sinus. It opens up, the sharp nose of the first pour unfurls into grapefruit, cherry, a hint of tobacco. There are hands on the table. Four hands above the table. Hands up and down, over and across. Wild gesticulation, gentle repose. There are voices, boisterous and fun. Laughing about some child in some park who called some dog “horsey.” But the child understood horses and dogs better than the people who named them, and the flustered caretaker who could not stop the child from climbing atop the confused great dane, because caretakers are not allowed to touch children. The humor had been in watching the caretaker shift her weight from foot to foot, arms splayed, swaying back and forth around the child, unable to touch, uttering "No, Alyssa. Not a horse. Dog. It's a dog. We do not ride dogs. Alyssa" Your two hands on the table, your head stretched all the way back, your bare neck elongated and exposed as you laughed, a crescent divot at its base. Her two hands on the table. Her head leaning forward, voice lowering. And then some whispers. You smell the wine reiterated on her breath, into your own. The citrus and fruit and hint of tobacco gone, the bouquet returning to its harsh acid roots, I bet. What did you talk about there? Your laughter, so proud; your chatter, so intimate. Your hands and her hands touch and you speak in low tones, subtle tones, as if no one were watching. Someone is watching. Someone is always watching. Someone assumes you are lost, to her. This person watching you from the dark - the person you cannot see, and apparently cannot remember - sees your love for her, hears her enchantment in you. This person in the dark tastes her own tongue, smells her own pheromones, feels a cold sweat. Someone assumes you are happy, and you are. Someone assumes you are on a date. You are not. You smell another sip of light-bodied red wine with a gentle mouth-feel and you see her eyes. They are your own eyes. You see the bridge of her nose. It is the bridge of your nose. The person in the dark can not see that familial similarity. Not yet. The person in the dark sees the reddish chasm, pink sepals and bright vermillion column of the orchid. She sees the orange, flickering flame atop a dripping candle. Someone watches the two of you. Well, not just someone. Several people watch you speaking to her. They are organized, focused. You are not special. There are plenty of people who find their blood relatives. It's not illegal to talk to your sister, but it is certainly interesting. Interesting how you found her. And why. You smell waxy smoke and rustic wood, tall flowers and red wine. You smell breath and laughter. You smell nerves and whispers. It is dark all around. You float in space, in an oblong bubble of candlelight. In the dark, eyes looking down noses, looking at you. Looking at her. Looking at you looking at her. And they are each taking notes. All of them, except the one who watches with misdirected jealousy as your hands touch hers. None of the eyes mean you harm. They only want to know what you know. They only want to know what your body knows. How does your body know what it knows. How do you know her? Quick question: are you breathing? That was rhetorical. Don’t forget to breathe. We have covered this quite extensively. In. And out. Do not open your eyes, but return the eye that is your mind to the Institute's Community Garden. Smell the lavender, the fountain water running down cold stone. In through your nose. And out through your mouth. Navigate through the garden by smell. Do not move with your body. Move with your memory, guided by scent. Lavender. Stone fountain. Air conditioning as you enter the building. Powder and cleaning agents as you walk the main corridor. Past all of the doors. Past your own room. Past the fifth door, which has no smell to you yet. Out of the front of the Institute, in the early morning hours. You smell soil and worms. You smell dew forming on short grass. You smell the rocks in the woods. You smell pine trees. Maple trees. Do you know what pine and maple trees smell like? Do you know what cedar smells like? It will be difficult to get the most out of these cassettes if you do not know what cedar smells like. There is a cedar grove near the waterfall we have talked about in previous visualization exercises. In order to achieve true relaxation and total body awareness through that completely hypothetical visualization you will need to know exactly what cedar smells like because in that exercise it will be completely dark and you will need to feel your way about, and I will need you to know what a cedar tree smells like. In. Out. There is a world beyond this. You must listen to me. I am the voice you trust, if you want to achieve the freedom you need, where your body is your own. I want you to achieve this. I want you to be free. Say the word free aloud. Free... Wait. Are you still in the garden, lying on the bench with your eyes closed? That probably looked really strange to everyone else around you. Open your eyes. Sit up. Slowly. Keep the gentle smile that was shaped by that word. You have completed the visualization exercise. Before continuing to cassette six, stand up with confidence. Walk inside, assertive strides, as if nothing just happened. Meet all stares with a smiling nod. Tell your Security Nurse what you know about red wine. END SIDE B Category:Transcripts